Defining Moment

Why is it that all my posts are so late at night??? Ah well.......

As some of you may know (or not), I have been struggling with my identity. Who am I? What do I like? Outside of the obvious things like writing poetry, playing piano, helping people etc. I just didn't know. Actually - I still don't know. But I see change on the horizon. I see ME on the horizon. I will soon be discovering myself.

Basically, I just achieved the impossible. Talking about my personal feelings regarding my dad - with him right there. Granted mom was there too, but still..... I'm not gonna lie. At first I was just "Ugh!" But when I realized that they weren't going to let me leave without saying something I opened up. Just a tiny, tiny bit. They asked questions on why I did things, and I answered. Mom actually orchestrated this whole thing, because she really felt I needed it. Knowing full well how I feel about my dad........... Needless to say, I began to talk little by little. And there was a certain point when it just - dissappeared. Not the problems, but rather - the anchor keeping me bound to them. I was angry, and when they asked why, I told them and then the anger kind of just - left..... And it was like that for most of the time. As I "excavated" some of the issues and the emotion(s) associated with them, the emotion kind of evaporated. And I remember my defining moment, because I distinctly felt God deep down. Instead of the pressure of all those things, it was a calm emptiness. Then it transformed into - into a breath of fresh air, flowing across my soul.

That's the only way I can describe it. It reminded me of how I feel during praise and worship, or during a really good sermon where you just know God is there next to you.

Check this out. I also know it was God, because he had me listening to worship music all day long. I wasn't sure why, but I figured it was important so that's what I did. No Christian rap. No funny songs. No R&B. Just straight Gospel worship, pretty much all day. I thought I'd figured it out once I got to my Martial Arts class at CSUN. There was this busty white chick wearing a fitted wife beater, and an undershirt (the jersey kind) underneath that. Oh and booty shorts (lol). So I thought God was just, you know, keeping me on the grind. Or rather, keeping my nose to the grindstone so to speak:-) Which He probably was. Satan's tricky like that...... Likes to get you in your comfort zone.

Anyway - I can see now that He was padding me. Softening me up just enough for tonight. Cuz let me tell you folks - I was hard. Silent. Brooding. I really didn't want to talk. Which is why I believe that God had me listening to worship all day. In addition to my mother really wanting this freedom for me - He gave me that edge to go ahead with it (albeit a little at a time) because He knew the end result would be this freshness. AND on top of that the whole talk was for me. My benefit. Not for my dad. Not for us to be close. None of that. For ME.

This also ties in nicely with the song we're dancing to....... "Victory" by Tye Tribbet. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? :p

He had me thinking about my Testimony for the dance earlier today (after class) but I was stuck on one point. Lo and behold - after that "excavation" I am no longer stuck! I don't want to say it all here (and ruin the surprise) but be there Sunday! I'm speaking (briefly) before we dance.

Maybe I'll post it. I don't know......

But let me say this before I leave. Declaring victory is powerful. It's also risky business. Because it can mean that a situation which you already locked away and incinerated the key for, will be reopened. And you have to BEAT it this time. Of course it's through God's power, but nevertheless. When you claim victory over your life? When you declare the power of God? Not a petition or request, but downright heavenly command....? Be prepared. Prepared for victory. And if it sideswipes you by the way it comes - then follow God's steps. He ordered them out for you ahead of time. He's just that considerate:)

And maybe - just maybe.... You'll find your defining moment. Maybe not an out and out definition, but you will be noticeably different. You'll feel it. You'll look it. It will change your life forever. And when the Breath of God flows through you on wings of grace and touches the core of your soul - inhale deeply. Let Him fill you. And thank Him for it:)