Defining Moment

Why is it that all my posts are so late at night??? Ah well.......

As some of you may know (or not), I have been struggling with my identity. Who am I? What do I like? Outside of the obvious things like writing poetry, playing piano, helping people etc. I just didn't know. Actually - I still don't know. But I see change on the horizon. I see ME on the horizon. I will soon be discovering myself.

Basically, I just achieved the impossible. Talking about my personal feelings regarding my dad - with him right there. Granted mom was there too, but still..... I'm not gonna lie. At first I was just "Ugh!" But when I realized that they weren't going to let me leave without saying something I opened up. Just a tiny, tiny bit. They asked questions on why I did things, and I answered. Mom actually orchestrated this whole thing, because she really felt I needed it. Knowing full well how I feel about my dad........... Needless to say, I began to talk little by little. And there was a certain point when it just - dissappeared. Not the problems, but rather - the anchor keeping me bound to them. I was angry, and when they asked why, I told them and then the anger kind of just - left..... And it was like that for most of the time. As I "excavated" some of the issues and the emotion(s) associated with them, the emotion kind of evaporated. And I remember my defining moment, because I distinctly felt God deep down. Instead of the pressure of all those things, it was a calm emptiness. Then it transformed into - into a breath of fresh air, flowing across my soul.

That's the only way I can describe it. It reminded me of how I feel during praise and worship, or during a really good sermon where you just know God is there next to you.

Check this out. I also know it was God, because he had me listening to worship music all day long. I wasn't sure why, but I figured it was important so that's what I did. No Christian rap. No funny songs. No R&B. Just straight Gospel worship, pretty much all day. I thought I'd figured it out once I got to my Martial Arts class at CSUN. There was this busty white chick wearing a fitted wife beater, and an undershirt (the jersey kind) underneath that. Oh and booty shorts (lol). So I thought God was just, you know, keeping me on the grind. Or rather, keeping my nose to the grindstone so to speak:-) Which He probably was. Satan's tricky like that...... Likes to get you in your comfort zone.

Anyway - I can see now that He was padding me. Softening me up just enough for tonight. Cuz let me tell you folks - I was hard. Silent. Brooding. I really didn't want to talk. Which is why I believe that God had me listening to worship all day. In addition to my mother really wanting this freedom for me - He gave me that edge to go ahead with it (albeit a little at a time) because He knew the end result would be this freshness. AND on top of that the whole talk was for me. My benefit. Not for my dad. Not for us to be close. None of that. For ME.

This also ties in nicely with the song we're dancing to....... "Victory" by Tye Tribbet. Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor? :p

He had me thinking about my Testimony for the dance earlier today (after class) but I was stuck on one point. Lo and behold - after that "excavation" I am no longer stuck! I don't want to say it all here (and ruin the surprise) but be there Sunday! I'm speaking (briefly) before we dance.

Maybe I'll post it. I don't know......

But let me say this before I leave. Declaring victory is powerful. It's also risky business. Because it can mean that a situation which you already locked away and incinerated the key for, will be reopened. And you have to BEAT it this time. Of course it's through God's power, but nevertheless. When you claim victory over your life? When you declare the power of God? Not a petition or request, but downright heavenly command....? Be prepared. Prepared for victory. And if it sideswipes you by the way it comes - then follow God's steps. He ordered them out for you ahead of time. He's just that considerate:)

And maybe - just maybe.... You'll find your defining moment. Maybe not an out and out definition, but you will be noticeably different. You'll feel it. You'll look it. It will change your life forever. And when the Breath of God flows through you on wings of grace and touches the core of your soul - inhale deeply. Let Him fill you. And thank Him for it:)

Epiphany

This is going to be really short, but I just had to share. . .

For those of you who know me - you know that I have ah, daddy problems. lol And for a while now, I've been doing my church thing (and pretty much every other extracurricular activity) but when it comes to him I've uncaringly fallen short of the mark.

Recently God's been getting on me about this, but today I had a really strong light bulb moment.

Because of how my dad grew up, he views life as a series of polar opposites, and he calculates and tries to keep everything in a practical perspective. Either something is good, or it's bad. Either it benefits or it hurts. Either it's light or it's dark. There's always some angle..... That's pretty extreme. And without going to the Bible on every single issue it becomes tainted by point of view. His point of view is already suffering, so to inject that into his perspective on life is simply - nauseating:)

My mother (as a lot of you know) is ironically the polar opposite. There is definitely gray. And there is the unknown. But above that is deep love. She'll pull you in. Go out of her way for you, even when it doesn't make any sense. She's a walking example of the transparency of God's love...... Not saying that she's perfect:) But her drive (which borders on being anal) is for the people. She's a helper by nature.

Now we get to ME. What does this crazy combination yield? Someone with a vast capacity to love, who can be coldly calculating and manipulative as he does it. Sound contradictive? It is. lol And the attempt to balance it out creates immense mental stress. Always feeling like I'm on the edge. Like there's some angle I MUST see, or - I fail. And failure is not exceptable, yet oddly inevitable. This is a frustrating existence. Fortunately for me, I worked all that out in therapy.........

Just kidding:)

I talked to some people (older than me) and they opened my eyes to what I was doing. Manipulating so that I felt loved (to glaze over any failures) but then "cleaning it up" by using this vast ability to love that's inside of me. So I've been working on that.....

Where was I going with this......?

Oh yeah - I don't think my dad has that. And today as we were discussing it, I didn't want to fall into a typical argument, so we ended peacefully (relatively) and as I left the house and was driving I was asking God "what was the point of that?" I genuinely wanted to know what I was supposed to get out of that. Or what dad was supposed to get out of that. I refused to jump to conclusions. I also asked God, what it was that I was defending. I knew that my dad wasn't as gung-ho about this people thing as I was, but I didn't know (truly) why I was so gung-ho about it. And especially after Mama T's sermon on Sunday, I'm trying to not be childish and view life as a mirror image......... And then God told me.

Epiphany: "You are doing it for me. Not for any glory that you might get out of it, or because you're being childish and operating with mirror vision." (then it switched to - third person I think it's called) "It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

I'm pretty sure that's a verse in the Bible. lol In fact - I think we have it at our store! I need to get it.......

But anyway - that's hugely releasing. And eye opening. This - thing that I believe I am struggling with is not really me struggling in a sense. Yes it's me and my decision, but after that - it's the Christ in me, the hope of glory. And seeing as how my life's sole purpose is to glorify him - that makes sense!

So after the epiphany struck - I was immediately filled with sadness for my dad. He doesn't get it. Charity is a foreign concept to him. And he hasn't learned to let go of his analysis, and "channel" (using that word EXTREMELY loosely) the Christ within, to the glory of God on the outside. And until he's able to grasp that - he places himself in a box. Just like I was. Just like many people are.

I'm not pretending to be an expert here or anything, and I can't say for sure what the box looks like - but I'm sure it differs from person to person, and that for every person there is more than one box and more than one version. What I do know though is that when we reach the place where we truly are seeking to do God's will - even when we've got the tiniest scrap of understanding to cling to - that God comes through. It's connected to the verse that says when we draw near to him, he draws near to us. I believe that striving to do right by God's standard qualifies us as drawing near to him.

This is also connected to the verses talking about if we ask, He'll answer, if we seek, we'll find, if we knock, He'll open the door. As we are asking the questions "Is this right? Is that the thing I'm NOT supposed to be chasing? Is this mirror vision? Is that window vision?" we begin a process of seeking. And in the process of seeking we stumble across many would-be solutions. "Doors" if you will. And we knock, hoping that at long last, this is the answer. Sometimes God opens up and says, no keep searching. Sometimes He opens, and says "Yes you got it! High five!" Sometimes He waits just on the other side of the door.... Testing your patience and your faith, before opening. But in every situation - GOD is opening the door! He's answering questions (even if it's with a question)! He's showing us Himself (which is what we're truly searching for when you break it all down)! Is this not encouraging??? It is to me!! :)

I have no idea how I got here. lol

But - ah - yeah. That was my big epiphany.

Mmm!!

Epiphany.

That one word is a poem waiting to happen........

Love is for Grown-ups

Hello all!!! This is so exciting (kinda)!! I've never blogged before, and to be honest I'm not sure why I started now, but whatever. . . . . . .

What I wanted to talk about was the awesome sermon preached by masterful evangelist, preacher, funny person, Terri McFaddin-Solomon. She KILLED it.

She had two really huge main points, one of which is love, and is the one I'm going to cover. . . I can by no means give the delivery she gave (go buy the cd!) but I cannot let it just sit on me without talking about it. . .

First off she pointed out that (true to my title) love is for grownups! It's not for children. A child's mindset, and view on life cannot handle the complex demands that accompany the nature of love. Her cited text was 1 Corinthians 13:11. "When I was a child, I talked like a child, thought like a child, reasoned like a child. When I became a [grownup] I put childish ways behind me." What this verse is saying is that a child speaks without thinking about what is being said. THEN they think about what just came out of their mouths, and finally realize (through reasoning or "understanding") that "oops, I shouldn't have said that." An adult, by contrast, thinks about what they want to say. And through their thinking (because thinking breeds understanding or "reasoning") they understand the concept of what it is they desire to say, as well as how to say it, and then they speak. Mildly convicting at least right? So maybe you're not impressed. Read on. . .

The next verse (verse 12) says "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face." Let's break it down. The first part says that we see a poor reflection as in a mirror. . . Children see life in mirror form! They view life in terms of how it affects them. How THEIR life is altered. They see only themselves. For instance - when parents argue and fight, the kids feel guilty. They are not able to see that they did not cause the fight - the parents have their own issues that need working out. And in other veins of life - children abstain from taking responsibility. They can (and will) always point the blame elsewhere. And connecting this principle to love - love is not for a child. 1 Cor. 13:4 says "Love suffers long and is kind." First three words - Love suffers LONG. A child, consumed by their worldview of mirrors cannot endure. Their own mindset works against them, because if they are in pain, then that inconveniences THEM and so they leave. The second part of that verse says that, in addition to suffering long, it is also KIND in the midst. Clearly it's obvious that a child cannot "be in love." Love is for grown-ups. (Note: Paul goes into about fifteen descriptions on the facets of love - the very first was that love suffers long and is kind) Something to remember is that there are a lot of people who are children in adult clothing. They dress like adults dress. They work like adults work. But they view life as a mirrored image. When they see life, they see themselves. When they make decisions, it's based primarily upon how it affects them (take this as it is - don't take it to the extreme to mean that you never consider yourself when making decisions). They are the focal point of their own life, and they almost "force" everyone around them to adjust to their behavior and mindset. . . Know anybody like that? She pointed out that some people are married to children. Some people are dating children. And for those still "prospecting," don't make excuses for them if they fit the child profile. Don't try and "change" them, because that's the equivalent of raising them and (as she said) "you ain't they mama!" The only thing that can grow them up is the Word of God. Point them there.

An adult then, obviously has a different view from a child. They have a heavenly view (I'll explain that concept later). Mama T calls it "Window Vision." When you become older, and put off those childish ways you cease to view life as a mirror image. That mirror becomes a window! You see life and you see the big picture. You see how your decisions affect other people. You see how your decisions affect other people affecting you, and how you affect them in response:p Oh my gosh I'm getting excited. Okay pay close attention. A window is made of glass right? Glass is made from sand. . . Sand that is purified through heat. They heat the sand up to such an incredible intensity that ALL of the impurities are removed, and transparency is attained. The glass. In order to love, you must have window vision, and in order to have window vision you must be transparent. The more transparent you are, the clearer your window vision! But it gets better. Revelation 15:2 says "And I saw what looked like a sea of glass mixed with fire and, standing beside the sea, those who had been victorious over the beast and his image and over the number of his name. They held harps given them by God" We are the glass mixed with the fire!!! We think it's Satan all the time, but a lot of the time it's just God turning up the heat to remove the impurities, so that we can become so much more transparent in His eyes, that He will become more transparent to US. Rather than running, we should take up the harps He provides us with and worship through the whole process!!

But there's more. For those of you crafty enough to suppose there's another way (I'm preachin' to myself now). . . think again:p Revelation 4:6 says "Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal." Does it get any clearer?! In order to get to the throne. In order to get to the Father. Transparency is required!! There is no approaching, and getting all tight with God while you're consumed with impurities. If you want to get close, understand that you will have to endure the flames of purification (that's my own term - I just made it up - it's not official - lol) Check this out . Revelation 21:18 says "The wall was made of jasper, and the city of pure gold, as pure as glass." We've all seen gold. Usually on wedding rings. That's not even CLOSE to the purity of the gold in heaven! Yet another sign of how important transparency is to God. And how much fire can be required in order for that process to be complete in us.

Think I've strayed from love? Far from it. Sit tight and read on.

And lest you become discouraged - here's more. Here on earth. In the natural. There are people who make the glass. And in some cases they form the glass into a vase or something. Well here's how that actually happens. The glassmaker heats the sand up to incredible temperatures to begin purifying it. Then they stick a tube in there to gather the liquid glass, and they spin it and begin to blow on it in order to begin to give it form. Eventually the glass becomes purified enough, and is formed properly and they cool it. Do you want to know what that place is called where all this takes place? THE GLORY HOLE!! In the natural, that's what it's called!! Where the purification through the fire, combined with the blowing in order to give it form. Can you not see the power of this? God has us ALL in glory holes. He puts us in the fire, purifies us, and when we are in our moldable form He blows His mighty breath of life into us and gives us the form he's intended for us all along! And the end result is greater transparency on our end, which in turn leads to more transparency on God (establishing a deeper connection with Him) and this all results in him becoming glorified!

Now - love. You cannot love without window vision. Window vision recognizes, and copes with suffering long, and being kind. Long suffering shows that God is purifying you. Molding you into His image. This results in transparency between you and God, as well as between you and your beloved. THIS in turn results in God being glorified, which is the whole reason behind our existence. It's an endless cycle, created by God to better US by causing us to be transparent with Him.

You want "fall in love?"

You want to "be in love?"

You want somebody to "love you?"

Make sure that you are not pursuing children.

Get rid of the mirrors and establish (and maintain) window vision.

Grow up.

Why?

Love is for Grown-ups.