Epiphany

This is going to be really short, but I just had to share. . .

For those of you who know me - you know that I have ah, daddy problems. lol And for a while now, I've been doing my church thing (and pretty much every other extracurricular activity) but when it comes to him I've uncaringly fallen short of the mark.

Recently God's been getting on me about this, but today I had a really strong light bulb moment.

Because of how my dad grew up, he views life as a series of polar opposites, and he calculates and tries to keep everything in a practical perspective. Either something is good, or it's bad. Either it benefits or it hurts. Either it's light or it's dark. There's always some angle..... That's pretty extreme. And without going to the Bible on every single issue it becomes tainted by point of view. His point of view is already suffering, so to inject that into his perspective on life is simply - nauseating:)

My mother (as a lot of you know) is ironically the polar opposite. There is definitely gray. And there is the unknown. But above that is deep love. She'll pull you in. Go out of her way for you, even when it doesn't make any sense. She's a walking example of the transparency of God's love...... Not saying that she's perfect:) But her drive (which borders on being anal) is for the people. She's a helper by nature.

Now we get to ME. What does this crazy combination yield? Someone with a vast capacity to love, who can be coldly calculating and manipulative as he does it. Sound contradictive? It is. lol And the attempt to balance it out creates immense mental stress. Always feeling like I'm on the edge. Like there's some angle I MUST see, or - I fail. And failure is not exceptable, yet oddly inevitable. This is a frustrating existence. Fortunately for me, I worked all that out in therapy.........

Just kidding:)

I talked to some people (older than me) and they opened my eyes to what I was doing. Manipulating so that I felt loved (to glaze over any failures) but then "cleaning it up" by using this vast ability to love that's inside of me. So I've been working on that.....

Where was I going with this......?

Oh yeah - I don't think my dad has that. And today as we were discussing it, I didn't want to fall into a typical argument, so we ended peacefully (relatively) and as I left the house and was driving I was asking God "what was the point of that?" I genuinely wanted to know what I was supposed to get out of that. Or what dad was supposed to get out of that. I refused to jump to conclusions. I also asked God, what it was that I was defending. I knew that my dad wasn't as gung-ho about this people thing as I was, but I didn't know (truly) why I was so gung-ho about it. And especially after Mama T's sermon on Sunday, I'm trying to not be childish and view life as a mirror image......... And then God told me.

Epiphany: "You are doing it for me. Not for any glory that you might get out of it, or because you're being childish and operating with mirror vision." (then it switched to - third person I think it's called) "It is not I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

I'm pretty sure that's a verse in the Bible. lol In fact - I think we have it at our store! I need to get it.......

But anyway - that's hugely releasing. And eye opening. This - thing that I believe I am struggling with is not really me struggling in a sense. Yes it's me and my decision, but after that - it's the Christ in me, the hope of glory. And seeing as how my life's sole purpose is to glorify him - that makes sense!

So after the epiphany struck - I was immediately filled with sadness for my dad. He doesn't get it. Charity is a foreign concept to him. And he hasn't learned to let go of his analysis, and "channel" (using that word EXTREMELY loosely) the Christ within, to the glory of God on the outside. And until he's able to grasp that - he places himself in a box. Just like I was. Just like many people are.

I'm not pretending to be an expert here or anything, and I can't say for sure what the box looks like - but I'm sure it differs from person to person, and that for every person there is more than one box and more than one version. What I do know though is that when we reach the place where we truly are seeking to do God's will - even when we've got the tiniest scrap of understanding to cling to - that God comes through. It's connected to the verse that says when we draw near to him, he draws near to us. I believe that striving to do right by God's standard qualifies us as drawing near to him.

This is also connected to the verses talking about if we ask, He'll answer, if we seek, we'll find, if we knock, He'll open the door. As we are asking the questions "Is this right? Is that the thing I'm NOT supposed to be chasing? Is this mirror vision? Is that window vision?" we begin a process of seeking. And in the process of seeking we stumble across many would-be solutions. "Doors" if you will. And we knock, hoping that at long last, this is the answer. Sometimes God opens up and says, no keep searching. Sometimes He opens, and says "Yes you got it! High five!" Sometimes He waits just on the other side of the door.... Testing your patience and your faith, before opening. But in every situation - GOD is opening the door! He's answering questions (even if it's with a question)! He's showing us Himself (which is what we're truly searching for when you break it all down)! Is this not encouraging??? It is to me!! :)

I have no idea how I got here. lol

But - ah - yeah. That was my big epiphany.

Mmm!!

Epiphany.

That one word is a poem waiting to happen........